He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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