My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
