I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
