OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
