After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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