Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
