oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
