M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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