cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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