She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
