If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She announced her abortion via fbk
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
