I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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