The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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