Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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