And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
