I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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