in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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