i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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