Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
