on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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