Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
