i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
