Dual....:-)
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Drunk is not a location!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
