the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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