Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
