I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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