Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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