The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
