I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm like, not good at living.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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