Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
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If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Alive.
So much puke
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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