I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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