Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
