I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
