Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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