Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
