her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
