she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
