I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
