fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
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so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
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We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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