I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
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I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You've changed since you got that strap on
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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