if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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