I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
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This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
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we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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