Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
