Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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