Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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