shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
