Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
