The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
