where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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