my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
His hands were made for my vagina.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
