i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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