my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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