Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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