If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
They took my balls.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
