What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
