he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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